So I’ve been sitting here at Starbucks (I know, I’m not supporting local business, but there is live music at the local coffee shop and I can’t concentrate) for close to 3 hours and as much as I’m focusing on my work, I can’t help but let my mind wander. Did I get that job? What car am I going to buy? Can I even afford a car right now? How much longer can I pretend I’m not a student? I know I shouldn’t be worrying, but I just can’t help myself.

This is an eerily pivotal point in my life and it’s all starting to get to me. There are few things I need: to finish college, a job, a car, health insurance. Those bring home rent, food, etc. There are also a couple of things I want pretty badly: the flexibility to continue making music, to no longer have homework and the stress of college, a large car (or SUV). But what if all of my wants and needs are somehow backward? Everyone I know tells me something different and my heart and my head are at odds. For this being such an important point in my life, it seems awfully ambiguous. I’m fully aware of what’s going on around me. Whether or not I choose to let them effect is my own undoing. I know that college is just a way to get a degree that I can use to ransom a salary from some large company, and I’m all about sticking it to the man, but there’s no way to win in this situation. To drop out would be retarded. Absolutely retarded. I’m 3 months from 2 diplomas—free ones at that. But I hate that I need them and need to impress some employer just so I can go on living. It seems there is no room for idealism in the world today and so I’m over trying to convince people otherwise. I’m just rambling.

I just wish things weren’t so uncertain. If my life is supposed to be as “cookie cutter” as I’m told it is, why do I have no idea what the heck is going on? It’s supposed to be as simple as college-job-house-family-kids, rinse and repeat. But alas, it is not so. Don’t think I’m looking to make things overly dramatic—that’s not the plan. I’m just trying to figure out how all of this is done. Here I sit, looking at fake bricks and commentaries, unraveling the nuances of the Christian faith and the deepest realms of the human soul, and ultimately wondering, “if I buy gas, will I have enough money for dinner?” And so I’ll wait upon God, hoping, when I should be knowing, that He is going to take care of me. The last time I made life plans, I moved 350 miles to a town I’d never heard of. I really hope that doesn’t happen again.