yup. just bawled.

i will admit i was a little embarrassed because i was sitting right next to bryan humphreys and i didn’t wanna cry in front of him. but i still did.

it was really very strange. the whole Christmas eve service i was sitting there and singing out, trying to let everyone around me know that i was better at singing carols than they were. conceited? yes. am i all the time? no. but the guy on stage was very good and rather than just accept that he was good, i had to prove to myself that i was good too. dumb, right? anyone in their right mind wouldn’t do such a thing. but i’d like to say i’m my right mind. although i’m not sure my right mind is THE right mind.

when the end of the service came, everyone started singing silent night accompanied by a light piano. very intimate, soothing; perfect for the candle-lit portion of the service. i opened my mouth to sing (once again just a bit louder than everyone else) but nothing came out. i just started bawling. i don’t know what happened, really. i just kept moving my mouth and pushing air but all that came out were tears.

i’m not trying to write about how sovereign this holiday is (though it truly is) or to call you all to silence. i was just broken by the sound of everyone else’s voices. i don’t know what this means yet (maybe just a simple, “shut up, joey”), but i’m glad it happened. i got to focus on the words of that old carol and i realized they do more than rhyme.