recently i’ve been focusing on the “big picture”, thinking i had missed it while i was looking at the small things. everyone told me that. regularly. so i figure they know what’s up and i don’t. i should focus on the “big-ness” of the Kingdom, the large and extravagant things that people are talking about, that there are stories about. i wanted to be in one of these stories. i wanted to live a “big” life and show God in “big” ways. but am i still missing something?

what if God’s “big-ness” is defined by our “small-ness”?

i can’t help but think of the final scene of men in black (the original, of course) in which the camera begins to zoom out at a ridiculous rate, showing stars and planets and finally the edges of our galaxy. then it shows our milky way as a marble and some creature is playing with it. ha! made me laugh at first, but then made me think about how small we are. it makes me wonder how big God is and how far reaching his Kingdom is. but it also makes me wonder about our small things. can the big-ness of God be described in something as small as a game of marbles? no. but can his huge love be shown in that game of marbles? yes.

i think i’ve begun to ramble.

what i’m trying to say is that i have been looking at televangelists and big revivals and huge sightings of God’s power and skipping the love i’m supposed to show to God and people every day. it’s like i’ve been looking to CEOs of major companies but skipped the starving children. where did i go wrong?! why did i think it was okay to stop caring so much? now i’m not saying those big things aren’t great. they are wonderful acts of God and he deserves the glory for them. but i’m trying to say that we are called to show great love in the small things we do as well.

i’m having trouble articulating this feeling, this urge coming up from my stomach and spitting out of my mouth. i’m not eloquent enough to make it a thought-provoking speech that brings tears to the eyes of many and changes people’s hearts. but i’m just so scared that i’ve been living life with my eyes half open, missing the rest of the story. where has my life gone?! what has become of all of my fruit?! did i have any to start with? have i been caring enough? have i been sharing, feeding, loving, providing, praying enough?

i don’t want to be a big deal. i don’t need fame and riches. i don’t need to be a well known preacher or an exalted minister. i just need to love God and love others.

the one thing that scares me the most is that i won’t live up to the name i’ve been given; to the life i’ve been given. and while i know i can never do enough to please God, i’m terrified that i’m not even trying.