The other day, I went home and skipped class and had coffee with my mom. It wasn’t about anything special, I just needed to go home and grab something and we just got to talking. About school, my car, clothes, carpets, HGTV, etc. So basically…nothing. But it was wonderful. My mom works a lot. Maybe yours doesn’t, but mine does. And I don’t really get to see her every day. I often leave early in the morning and get home late at night and she works crazy hours too. So when I get to see her (and she hasn’t been awake for 72 hours) I try to spend time with her. It’s strange that I never really felt like I missed her. I mean, we live in the same house. But I truthfully hardly see her. The time I spent with her was great. I really did miss her. For those of you thinking I’m crazy: go say hi to your mom. Or call her. Or something. Even if you move away, she’ll always be your mom. Don’t wait too long before you tell her you love her. Mom, if you’re reading, I love you too.
overbearing. too much. i get that a lot. but it would be awesome if that wasn’t the case right now.
i think way to much, but i just don’t know the answers and so i continue to think.
i wish i crawl out of my own head and watch things fall around.
entropy is for optimists. failure is for pessimists. worrying belongs to the realist.
happy, sad, mournful, joyus. are they all love songs?
open my eyes or cut my skin to see clearly.
Man, I’ve been really frustrated recently. Why? A number of things, I guess. I’m just rather stressed over a whole lot of nothing. I mean, it’s all something, but, I don’t know. I’m just talking in circles.
I guess I’ve been the most stressed about things that have just been sitting in my mind. All of these things that aren’t worked out, that are just kind of floating, waiting to be resolved. It’s killing me. I work myself into a panic most times. I wish everything could be on some kind of a check list or a timeline, something tangible that I could cross things off of. I’m not real big on checklists, but it always seems i make one in my head. And these aren’t the type of things you’d normally put on a check list, like, “take out trash,” or, “call the doctor.” Ahhhh. I just think too much.
Maybe if i went to bed at 8.30 I would just sleep through the night, rather than keeping myself up by thinking.
this view is getting old fast.
it’s amazing to me how different i am on my own and in my parent’s house. when i live under their roof, i tend to be a bit more of a slob, not keep after my clothes, leave my desk a mess and never really come home. when i live on my own i do much the opposite: i clean up, i do the dishes, i keep my desk clear, i put my clothes in the hamper and i enjoy the silence of home. i keep telling myself it has something to do with some kind of ownership; knowing that i am the only one that will do the work drives me to do it. but that’s not a good excuse.
right now the rents are gone. it’s just me and teddy at home and while he doesn’t like to clean up very much, i have the sudden urge to take out the trash and run the dishwasher. strange, i know. the work has to get done somehow and if theo isn’t going to bunker down and do it, i guess it’s on me. this isn’t any diss to him (i know you’re the only one who actually reads my blog), it’s just an observation of my strange life and my strange double standards.
sometimes i really want a nine-to-five; just a simple job to go to, one i enjoy, and one that makes a decent amount of money. i don’t need a lot, i just need food, shelter, and cable. ha. i kind of want to be one of those old people who have “their shows” that they watch. i’d love to come home on a thursday night and make myself a sandwich and watch Bones or House or something.
it’s not extravagant, it’s not up-beat or anything to gawk at. it’s just…simple. it makes sense. and i searching for security amidst the risks i’m taking? i wouldn’t trade my music for anything. honestly. but a thursday night alone is eerily tempting.
yup. just bawled.
i will admit i was a little embarrassed because i was sitting right next to bryan humphreys and i didn’t wanna cry in front of him. but i still did.
it was really very strange. the whole Christmas eve service i was sitting there and singing out, trying to let everyone around me know that i was better at singing carols than they were. conceited? yes. am i all the time? no. but the guy on stage was very good and rather than just accept that he was good, i had to prove to myself that i was good too. dumb, right? anyone in their right mind wouldn’t do such a thing. but i’d like to say i’m my right mind. although i’m not sure my right mind is THE right mind.
when the end of the service came, everyone started singing silent night accompanied by a light piano. very intimate, soothing; perfect for the candle-lit portion of the service. i opened my mouth to sing (once again just a bit louder than everyone else) but nothing came out. i just started bawling. i don’t know what happened, really. i just kept moving my mouth and pushing air but all that came out were tears.
i’m not trying to write about how sovereign this holiday is (though it truly is) or to call you all to silence. i was just broken by the sound of everyone else’s voices. i don’t know what this means yet (maybe just a simple, “shut up, joey”), but i’m glad it happened. i got to focus on the words of that old carol and i realized they do more than rhyme.
recently i’ve been focusing on the “big picture”, thinking i had missed it while i was looking at the small things. everyone told me that. regularly. so i figure they know what’s up and i don’t. i should focus on the “big-ness” of the Kingdom, the large and extravagant things that people are talking about, that there are stories about. i wanted to be in one of these stories. i wanted to live a “big” life and show God in “big” ways. but am i still missing something?
what if God’s “big-ness” is defined by our “small-ness”?
i can’t help but think of the final scene of men in black (the original, of course) in which the camera begins to zoom out at a ridiculous rate, showing stars and planets and finally the edges of our galaxy. then it shows our milky way as a marble and some creature is playing with it. ha! made me laugh at first, but then made me think about how small we are. it makes me wonder how big God is and how far reaching his Kingdom is. but it also makes me wonder about our small things. can the big-ness of God be described in something as small as a game of marbles? no. but can his huge love be shown in that game of marbles? yes.
i think i’ve begun to ramble.
what i’m trying to say is that i have been looking at televangelists and big revivals and huge sightings of God’s power and skipping the love i’m supposed to show to God and people every day. it’s like i’ve been looking to CEOs of major companies but skipped the starving children. where did i go wrong?! why did i think it was okay to stop caring so much? now i’m not saying those big things aren’t great. they are wonderful acts of God and he deserves the glory for them. but i’m trying to say that we are called to show great love in the small things we do as well.
i’m having trouble articulating this feeling, this urge coming up from my stomach and spitting out of my mouth. i’m not eloquent enough to make it a thought-provoking speech that brings tears to the eyes of many and changes people’s hearts. but i’m just so scared that i’ve been living life with my eyes half open, missing the rest of the story. where has my life gone?! what has become of all of my fruit?! did i have any to start with? have i been caring enough? have i been sharing, feeding, loving, providing, praying enough?
i don’t want to be a big deal. i don’t need fame and riches. i don’t need to be a well known preacher or an exalted minister. i just need to love God and love others.
the one thing that scares me the most is that i won’t live up to the name i’ve been given; to the life i’ve been given. and while i know i can never do enough to please God, i’m terrified that i’m not even trying.
so it seems many people have enjoyed the song i recently put up on facebook. that, or they just enjoyed making fun of my big hair at the end of a long day. either way, a good number of people have commented on it. so that’s cool.
but for those of you who don’t know, i just wanted to let you in a little secret: this song wasn’t written for it’s musicality, for masterful lyrics or a catchy melody. it was written to express a feeling, a thought. it’s been a long few weeks and i’ve been feeling like a failure more and more (some of that has to do with the limited amount of sleep i’ve been getting). but one recent night, while i was feeling sorry for myself, i was attacked by the notion that God still loves me regardless. and so that’s what i wrote that song about.
it’s about falling, about failing, about hurting worse than ever, about constantly letting yourself and others down. it’s about hurting friends, breaking promises and telling lies. it’s about the deepest darkest parts of me. but it’s also about the overwhelming dedication and selflessness of Jesus, with each refrain acting as a love song from Him to me.
simply put, this song is about grace. so be warned, be convicted, but be encouraged and inspired, because you are loved.
i just posted on a couple of these discussions from this “Christian” facebook group. i was freaking out reading everything that had been written. the thing that got me the most was when people would be asked a question, not know the answer, but still spew out some nonsense and make Christians everywhere look like tools. one such discussion had many atheists arguing with Christians who just kept spewing. it was rough.
let’s just set the record straight: if you don’t know, say it. tell them you’ll look it up and get back to them, be it in real life or on the internet. don’t try and answer incorrectly, that’s just worse. be real, be honest.
i’m not posting this to say that i know all the answers. (which in a sense makes this post a HUGE oxymoron, but we’ll just forget about that). in fact, i’m quite the opposite. but that’s the point: i’ll be the first to tell you i suck and i’m wrong. often, since i suck and i’m wrong, i need people to tell me that as well. but that’s how it goes. let’s embrace hopeless dependence on love and the bodies/minds God gave us and use them! God gave Christians brains, too. let’s show people we have them.
am i less of a man for listening to the band Paramore? i think not. i would actually go so far as to say that i am more of a man for listening to Paramore.
4 out of 5 doctors agree.